H&M Dimensional Tourists 3: Darkness and Daisies
by thedarkspy
Summary: I've returned after a long absence, and I've added a chapter that never made it beforehand. I don't really plan on continuing this series, because in all honesty; it sucks.
1. Modelling Hobbies and Dark Lords

If the casual observer were to look at the home of this particular person, then they would see naught but deepest darkness. And that was how he liked it. Because, if there WAS a casual observer there, then he was most certainly out, and this could be confirmed by the observer checking to see if they still had the right number of limbs.

A crack was heard, and light played lazily over the landscape. The features of the land were revealed, and, rather surprisingly, they did not reflect the view you would have of the occupant's home. Rolling hills and lush verdant trees were present, with fine cliffs and a mountain towering in the distance. The whole place had a kind of; 'home-made' feel, as if every feature was made by a man with an extremely good toolmaker, and a lot of spare time. This was reinforced slightly by the fact that the afore-mentioned mountain was, in fact, half a mountain. This was not to say that half the mountain was missing. No, the other half was merely a large block of stone.

The light progresses even further, and a man is revealed. Sitting betwixt two large stone pillars, leading into what looked like a mine or cave. He is sitting down, bent over what appears to be a sketchpad or notebook, busily writing or drawing. He has sable black hair, tied up in a ponytail that reaches just below his shoulders. He has young, straight features, deep brown eyes, is dressed in what looks like an extremely black robe, and has a concentrated look about him. He looked rather like one of those people that you suspect of occult and daemonic practices, but you don't give them a hard time about it, because you think they have a decent chance of actually succeeding in said practices, and we all know where that leads.

((Yeah, I'm starting it again.))


	2. Storage Within Storage

As the light becomes strong, and the fine features are revealed, the view swings back to the stone pillars. What's strange is, that each once appears to be segmented horizontally and vertically, with indecipherable runes engraved on them. Suddenly, one of these sections has all it's runes glow with unearthly light. A narrow line appears, and then another parallel to it. Two more lines form to create a square. By now the man has gotten up and is waiting patiently beside the stone pillar, as if waiting for something to happen.

Now that the light is strong, the features of the man are revealed better as well, to reveal him as none other, than Orpheus Pyrrhus, whose more light-hearted adventures are recorded in previous volumes of this series. Suddenly, the runes dim, and the square of stone falls out. Inside the box, is a two small chests. One is made of cedar wood, the other of strong looking metal.

Orpheus removed the metal box, and spoke a few words in a low voice. The metal box glowed, and Orpheus bent down to lift the lid. However, the lid would not lift, and Orpheus took to cursing, and the sky darkened, and rain fell in sheets. He let out a sigh, and weather cleared abruptly. He walked into the cave, and much clanging was heard. Returning, he raised an object in his hand, shouted "Nazfariel take you, hell-spawn!", and dropped the rock on the box. A dull clang was heard, and the box (reluctantly) opened, revealing a piece of paper with yet more indecipherable runes upon it.

Taking this and placing it within a pocket in his robe, Orpheus removed the cedar box. This box opened much more easily, and Orpheus took out what looked like a cherry blossom petal.


	3. Flowery Cushions

Orpheus looked at the cherry blossom petal for a short while, and then sighed. He walked back into the cave pensively, as if contemplating something. When he walked back out, he had a small sparkling object in his hand. He looked at this for quite some time, before placing it into his pocket. He looked at the sky, and then at the scroll on the stone ground. "What's done is done. With the exception of theoretical eddies in the time-space support matrix. Maybe." With this profound comment he picked up the petal, placed it in his pocket along with the sparkling thing, picked up the scroll, said some indecipherable words, and was gone, with a sound that can only be described as; 'plumph'.

'plumph'. This was the sound that the blond haired kunoichi known to her friends as Ino heard as she was waking up in the morning. This was followed shortly by "Oh fu-", then 'crash!' As one might hear after being propelled at high speed through a glass ceiling, and then the sound that might be heard if something had fallen on a display of expensive flowers with considerable force.

Needless to say, she was on the scene with blinding speed, to discover a man in a pretentiously dark robe surrounded by a pool of blood and broken glass, but more importantly, on top of a display of the rare Konoha orchids that only bloom once a year and were scheduled to bloom tomorrow. Orpheus, (For 'twas our erstwhile hero himself), raised a hand, and before passing out, managed to say something that earned him a memorable beating: "Your flowers got in the way of my death."


	4. Breakages and Blossoms

As the sun rose in the village of Konoha, the spring springing, the sun sunning and the birds birding, a battered looking Dark Lord was dragged, and likewise presented to the receptionist at the Konoha General Hospital, by everyones second favourite blond. She looked first at him, then at her. "May I as-"

"No." And that was the end of that.

The light from the hospital windows glared into Orpheus' eyes, and drove him into an early rising, which he wasn't grateful for. "Ugh, somebody please turn off the sun." After deciding that no-one was going to deactivate the source of his solar discomfort, he decided to get up. Hampering his decision to make a rise however, was the pink haired woman sleeping across his bed. After deciding that he was not in Kansas any more, so to speak, he reached out to poke her in her forehead, which he found to be considerable.

**Crack**. Was the sound heard in the hospital ward, a sound that sounded uncannily like someone breaking a finger. Sakura, (for it obviously was her hampering Orpheus' ambulations) looked in horror as Orpheus slowly drew back his hand, looked thoughtful, and opened his mouth with a profound expression.

"Ow."


	5. Idris' Gift?

After some considerable fuss, frantic settings and complicated medical Jutsu, Orpheus was once again able to rise from his bed, this time without the hampering (and painful) effects of having a ninja sleeping on him. Now dressed once again in his old dark robe, Orpheus smiled and looked at Sakura.

"So, is it Hospital policy to break patients fingers? Or local custom?" His voice had a faintly amused tone, and even with the medical Jutsu and the painkillers, he was looking remarkably chipper for someone who had just broken a digit. Sakura blushed slightly and looked down with a slightly angry expression on her face. "Look, I told you I was sorry, but you shouldn't have taken me by surprise."

Orpheus looked out the window of the room and reached into his breast pocket, and looked back at Sakura. "Hmm. Well, in any case, I remember you from last time we met, even if you do not remember me, Sakura. I am here to present you with something from Idris, to formally induct you into our ranks."

"What?! I didn't agree to anything! What ranks? You mean… From before?" Sakura's memories of the time she ran (quite literally) into the young man apparently responsible for bringing these strange people to her world had faded over time, but came back to her quickly, as bad memories have been likened to a pendulum, in that the farther they get, the harder they hit.

Orpheus looked up and sighed heavily. "Look, I'm reasonably certain that you do not wish to be hearing this any more than I wish to be saying it, but what you did last time was unprecedented, and well, tradition dictates you're one of us now. I can't imagine what Maeve will have to say about it, but I'm pretty sure it'll be razor edged." Looking once more directly at her, he drew his hand out of his breast pocket and drew out something.

Sakura flinched back for a moment, reasonably sure that they wanted to take her out of the picture, but when she looked down, there was nothing but a small rough sparkling stone about the size of a fingernail resting in the hollow of Orpheus' hand. Orpheus smiled the smile that the informed movie-goer would have identified as identical to Dracula, in the movie of the same name. "What, did you expect it to go boom?" He said, the words slipping out of his mouth like a finger across velvet. "Shut-up.", was the rapid response. Orpheus said nothing, but smiled. He got that a lot.


	6. Reality Enforced by Pointyness

Orpheus looked at Sakura pleasantly, (or as pleasantly as you can when you're clad in a dramatically pretentious robe of pure black [or very very dark blue) and turned to the door. "Well, don't expect me to tell you how it works or anything. I don't think you should ever even be able to see one of those things, let alone own one. Well anyway, bye, I suppose. I guess I'll be making a Sanctuary now." With that, he briskly strode out of the door and, oddly enough, into Naruto. As the aforementioned blond was in fact running to tell Sakura of an exciting mission, his momentum was, (needless to say) considerable.

Orpheus saw blackness. After a few seconds the pain turned from infernal to merely unbearable, and Orpheus wearily rose to his feet and opened his eyes, one arm hanging limply from its socket and favouring one foot. "Hmm. I need a drink, one broken finger, I need a drink, one sprained ankle, I need a drink, One dislocated shoulder, I need a drink, numerous cuts, I need a drink, bruises and abrasions, I need a drink, I haven't had breakfast yet and I need a drink. Reminds me of home." With this, he grabbed his shoulder and pushed at it with a hideous cracking sound. "… Make that one dislocated and _broken_ shoulder." Looking at the horrified faces of both Naruto and Sakura he smiled. "Excuse me for a moment, I have to go and stick my head into an iceberg, and/or kill myself, and then everyone else in the multiverse. In that order. I have no particular preference, what do you think?" Ignoring the faces of the both Naruto and Sakura, Orpheus walked away. "I'm going to get a drink. Make that two drinks. In fact, I just need someone to beat me in the back of the head with a pool cue for an hour. Or I might have lunch. I fancy something spicy." Then he fell over. Again. Hard.

Orpheus examined his surroundings. They were lucid. Multi coloured and numerous shapes twisted, formed and unformed around him like mist in the air. "I'm dreaming." He said matter of factly, nodding his head slightly. "Hmm. So maybe if I concentrate…" With a look of deep concentration Orpheus closed his eyes, repeating "Flamethrower and legal department. Flamethrower and legal department." Opening his eyes and noticing a distinct lack of the aforementioned items, Orpheus sighed. "Every time a coconut. Hmm. Whoever created this place was on something, and I want some."

"**You ** created it. It's a figment of your imagination.", Said a disembodied voice. Orpheus raised an eyebrow. "Conscience? Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"I'm not your conscience, and unlike that pink elephant over there, I'm real."

"I'm not going to look."

"Oh. Too bad, that would have been a laugh." After a moment,they both sighed simultaneously.

"Think I can go back to the real world now?"

"Oh yes, you're about to be stabbed in the head." The voice stated in an even tone.

"Oh, goo- what did you s-" Orpheus' question was cut short by a stabbing pain in his forehead. He grinned as the dream world began to fade. "Oh, when I wake up, someone is going to **burn**."

Itachi was a happy chappy. Not only had he ambushed three genin, (one of them wounded, but no matter) but one of them was the Kyuubi carrier. He grinned as Naruto fell to the ground on top of a similarly incapacitated Sakura. He casually flung a kunai at the wounded genin, covered by a sheet.

_Spltch._

A voice that seemed curiously familiar to Itachi rang out across the clearing after a few moments. "Hmm. There is a large knife imbedded in my forehead. Someone is going to pay, and I don't take credit." Suddenly, the sheet burst into flames, impossibly high and bright. Itachi shielded his eyes for a moment, and when he looked back there was nothing left of the sheet but cinders and ash. Standing in its place, was Orpheus, and he looked tired, angry, and most prominently, had a kunai in his head. Itachi smiled. "Orpheus! What are you doing being captured by genin? Get drunk and encounter ninja? Happens to the best of us."

"Itachi. I have a knife in my forehead. Explain please. Take your time."

Looking thoughtful Itachi replied; "Accident?" … There was a long silence. Then Orpheus' voice rang out:"Good enough. I'm starving, want to go out for lunch? I fancy something spicy."

"Sure. Come round to our place, we'll order out." …

"Can you do that in a pseudo-feudalistic Japan-like country?"

"What?"

"I'll take that as a yes."

"Fair enough". And that was that.


	7. Even Mages Need Communications

[Sorry about the lack of updates, I'm Sooooooo busy right now! But holidays in a week, so lotsa updates then. But have some filler for now.

Orpheus wandered through the forest with Itachi silently for a while. Orpheus tried an attempt at light coversation. "You've grown stronger since I saw you. You took out those little ninjas without much trouble."

"Well, they were only genin." Itachi stopped suddenly, his mouth open. "Oh bugger… I've forgotten the Kyuubi carrier!"

-Elsewhere-

Orochimaru trudged through the forest aimlessly. "Stupid Akatsuki. I don't need them." until his foot met an unexpected obstacle, right before his head met the ground. "Damn it!" He cried, his eyes narrowing to slits. Sitting up and casting his eyes to where he tripped, he met the sight of two injured genin on the ground. "Well, things are finally turning out Orochimaru!" He said, picking one up off the ground and running gleefully into the forest.

A few minutes later, the remaining genin woke up. "Where am I?", wondered Sakura.

-Back Again-

Orpheus grabbed Itachi's collar before he could charge off.

"You'll never find them, let's go eat." He said casually.

"But-"

"Come on. I'll buy you a coke."

"A what?"

"Hmm. What's something you Akatsuki like to eat?" Itachi thought of one of the greener members of the Akatsuki.

"Human flesh?"

"… I'll just give you some money."

"Fair enough."

"Is this going to take much longer Itachi? I'm pretty sure I've seen that bush before."

"… That's a rabbit."

"That explains it. Hmm. I wonder what the other guys are doing." Orpheus reached into his breast pocket, and after some rummaging, removed a ball from his jacket. It was crystal clear and about the diameter of a dinner plate, which was remarkable, considering it fit into his jacket pocket.

"What the hell is that?" Itachi queried.

"It's an empathic link between the soul matrixes of the other members of the Soliditas', and I, strengthened with various support magicks."

"What the hell is that?"

"It's something that let's me look through different dimensions."

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a magic window."

"Oh, well why didn't you say?"

"wanker."

"What?"

"Nothing." Orpheus peered into its surface. It remained translucent. "Crêpe." Orpheus remarked. "Must be a weather balloon."

"A what?"

"A large inflat- never mind." Orpheus replaced the ball, and put his hand to his ear.

"You know, you can hear the ocean if you do that."

"Have you been hanging around that blond guy from before?"

"Maybe?"

"Thought so. Now let me concentrate." Closing his eyes, he murmured something unintelligible, followed by "Let's try Sekai first. Show me Sekai of the Soliditas".

A crackly sound echoed throughout the clearing, followed by Orpehus' voice. For many months afterwards, (to the great confusion of the Natives, sparking several major religions to crop up who fought among each other for hundreds of years) the native Konoha parrots would be heard saying; "What do you MEAN, no credit?"

After several threats of grievous bodily harm in graphic detail, Orpheus was put through.

After a few moments, sounds were heard.

"Show me the Soliditas then, damn it."

[Crackle-Fzzrt 'Sekai'

Sekai's voice echoed strangely, disturbing the morning dew beginning to gild the ferns.

"I wonder where my tentacle beast got to? Meh, I'm going to bed."

[Fzzrt 'Vidya'

This time, it was Vidya's distressed sounding voice that came through.

"Damn it! Get back you tentacle thing!"

**Boom!**

"Ha! Gotcha!"

Slither 

"What the- you sneaky bastard!"

Spltch 

"Got your re-productive organ, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do?"

Slither Slither 

"How many of those things do you have?"

Slither 

"That's _it_, your going down, you mother-

[Crackle 'Hikaru'

Hikaru's toned voice emanated this time.

"You want to repay me, **how**?"

-Something unintelligible-

"Chastity vow, my one true foe. Ah well."

[Crzkt 'Ami'

A strange song blared out.

"Yar Har –Fiddle de-dee, being a pirate is all you can be! Do what you want 'cos a pirate is free, you are a pirate!"

[Tzzz Pop! 'Idris'

"No, don't touch that, daddy needs that to-"

Snap! 

"No, that's hard to fin-"

Crash! 

"Wait, that sounds like the chant for a fireba-"

Boom! 

"Is there pink hair in your brain as well as on your head?! Oh, me damn it."


	8. ShoryuKEN or The Chapter That Never Was

(Well, I'm kind of back. I know it's kinda been a year since I last updated anything, and I kinda left without warning, but I'm sorry. My computer was damaged last year, and I couldn't really rustle up the funds to get it repaired until earlier this year. And then, I had exams and the like to worry about, as well as numerous other commitments, and to tell the truth, I plain forgot about Hokage's and Mages, even though I enjoyed writing it immensely. I have no plans to restart Hokage's and Mages, but I did find a chapter I never uploaded from before, and thought I may as well give it a home.)

Orpheus glanced at Itachi as he walked along the bracken-filled floor."So, Itachi, exactly how far is this hideout of yours from here again? I think we've been walking for quite a while." Itachi cocked his head, a confused face appearing on his face.

"What? Hideout? I thought we were going leprechaun hunting! We passed the hideout an hour ago." Orpheus' mouth dropped.

"... Leprechaun hunting?! What in the NINE HELLS gave the idea we were going _Leprechaun _hunting?!" Itachi looked thoughtful.

"I just... Kinda assumed, you know?" Orpheus voiced the first part of an angry retort, but was abruptly halted in the beginnings of his tirade when he stopped uncharacteristically suddenly.

"Ow. A stone wall seems to have rather inconsiderately smashed into my face. I make a note to complain to the manager." He looked the wall up and down, found it unenlightening, and so stuck his head around the wall. "Itachi,", he began; "Is there any particular _reason _ that I've just walked into what appears to be the headquarters of your little 'psychotic's only' club, when you said that it was an hour back?"

"I reckon it was fate, boss."

"Lose the accent, please." Orpheus said levelly.

"Oh, very well. Well, shall we get something to eat?"

"Why not. Have you got any spare beds? I think I may pass out from blood loss soon. The people of this dimension seem extremely happy to cause me physical harm."

"I wondered why you were wasting all that perfectly good blood in the forest."

"... Shut up and let's go in".

And so they did. Some rudimentary navigational skills got them past the vast array of traps laid out to confuse and discourage intruders, "Itachi, why is there a large mousetrap near your front entrance that is baited with what looks to be a rather... 'revealing' picture of... Well, it looks like your brother, actually."

"Oh, that's just to keep Orochimaru out. He comes back sometimes."

"... Sigh. I can see why you kicked him out, at least."

"Yeah, imagine only settling for one picture, I'd go for two at least."

"... Whatever. Let's just get something to eat."

The kitchen... Was a mess. knives were stuck into various places into the walls, the floor was scorched, and stove appeared to have been turned inside out. In fact, the only observable intact piece of kitchenware appeared to be a coffee pot that had recently boiled. Further analysis would probably attribute it to the blond, androgynous person engaged in a fervent battle with what appeared to be a man whose father had had a rather embarrassing encounter with a flower, probably due to an overlarge ingestion of one or more kinds of the more illicit hallucinatory chemical, who appeared to be clutching a head of lettuce.

"I'm _trying _to make dinner, you big... green... plant'y thing! Give my lettuce _back_!" Cried Deidara. (For 'twas the blond haired artist himself)

"I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THE BEACHES! YOU CAN TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE, OUR FREEEEEDOM!" The half-man, half-plant replied, hysterically, attempting to swipe at the blond while keeping the lettuce at arms reach.

"Ngh! Grrrrr... That's it!" The blond angrily began forming hand-signs "BIG F'ING EXPLOSION NO JUT-"

Deidara's angry technique forming was abruptly halted however, by a swift uppercut to the chin, which tends to distract the best of us.

"SHORYU**KEN**!" rang out across the kitchen. There was a heavy crash, as Deidara's head smashed through the ceiling. The rest of him stayed suspended in the air limply. The shrouded figure of the Leader remained where he had appeared, in the uppercut pose.

"Now...", the enigmatic leader of the Akatsuki said levelly, returning to a more reserved and socially acceptable pose. "Can anyone tell me what time it is?" Silence reigned. "No? Well, I can tell you. It's **don't blow up the hideout again time!!** Everyone clear on this?" A chorus of 'yes''s echoed in the food preparation area. Deidara's slightly muffled voice penetrated through the plaster.

"Guys? Can I come down from here? I'm in Oro's-sama's old room under his bed... It's scary in here... Oh Gods, I found a stash we didn't find... I'll never look at Sasuke without wincing again... Help? Please?" Orpheus looked thoughtful.

"Who's for dining out?", he piped up.

"That is... Acceptable"

"Can we go leprechaun hunting afterwards? I'mma get me a new hat."

"As long as it's not vegetarian".

The door closed softly, the sound echoing throughout the building.

"Guys? Guys? ... Damn"


End file.
